Looking back at 2010

As the year end is approaching pretty fast, the time has come to lean back and think about everything that has happened in the past 12 months.

Pokerwise it was pretty much a wasted year, this might sound a bit harsh and despite a profit of 3-4k, I feel I didn’t improve much in general. I went through a pretty long downswing and still came out of that break even (thanks to PT3), which I am unsure if that is a good or bad sign. I finally started writing again and saw my first article published in a magazine, I did not get paid for it but it does symbolize a new beginning and might promise another opportunity in the future as well.

I quite enjoyed the tidbit of coaching that I gave, as I could definitely see an improvement and more consistent results from my “students”, which does also give back a certain confidence in your own abilities as well. There were ups and downs, moments when you started to hate poker or asked what you actually done to deserve that, but the anger calmed down pretty fast as I am fortunately able to see the bigger picture and can also control my emotions on the poker table.

There were 3 fun poker trips (UK, Vienna and Vegas) and despite nonexistent fortune I enjoyed all of them as they gave me the opportunity to catch up with some old friends and also meet other online friends for the first time in real life as well. The more personal and work related trip to Canada late this year was an urgently needed experience as I got to spend more time with a dear and very close friend as well as a change of atmosphere and breakout from the daily routine.

A specific day in February changed my attitude and understanding and I am not going to evaluate that any further, a few people know about it and it basically made me realize that there has to be more to fight for. I am more aware of my own weaknesses and strengths and knowing that a certain balance between body and soul is missing can be motivating and frustrating at the same time as well.

I started going back to the gym and set myself priorities, I pretty much know what I want and there are a few more doors open now, but I am not yet sure if I am ready to go through. Searching the right path to find that inner balance is a difficult task, especially when you notice every little step in the right or wrong direction and its direct influence on the own mood. By helping other people and providing another perspective or most of the time really just the opportunity to talk I also grow as a person and realize many things that have been hidden so far or that I personally didn’t pay attention to.

When you have to ask yourself why you are stuck right now and don’t know where exactly the journey will go is aggravating and frustrating, but at the same time it does also help to set new targets and exploit the own limits. Towards the end of the year I notice a certain daily routine that I don’t enjoy, I still like to play poker and my job (sometimes more, sometimes less), but there is barely any progress and I hate to stand still. 

I discovered a certain talent to write poems and express my appreciation for close friends and realize that it is my duty to pay back slowly that these people have been there for me, I just want to give back that trust and the time spent and hope I will be able to follow that path as well. There won’t be any wish or must do list, as I personally noticed that I never really keep the promises on that list anyways. I would like to go to the gym more often and work towards improving my balance between body and soul, at the same time I also want to improve my perspectives and use my time in a more constructive way.

Hopefully the next year can’t get any worse, because to be honest I am not sure what will happen if that would be the case … . I am able to maintain a standard of play and a physical and emotional balance up to a certain point, but sooner or later these limits cannot be increased anymore and require a break to gain back stability and confidence that everything will work out.